I stood on the front porch and watched my friend wipe tears off her face, as I did mine.
She had come to bring me a beautiful pink potted flower bush. "I am witnessing the love of God all around me - friends and family mourning with us, comforting us, truly lifting us up with their love and with their faithful prayers. It is miraculous. I started a "Lennie List" today of all the kindnesses offered us and it goes on and on..." I wrote in my journal.
Logistics followed us through the next week: how to transfer her body to Utah for the burial, choosing a casket, buying airline tickets, arranging with the PA and UT funeral homes. Perris took care of the bulk of it, with many angel family members and friends helping and accelerating this processes. We were informed our friends had called to foot the bill for the casket and flight to Utah. A beautiful gold necklace with Lennie's name arrived for me, gifted by my sisters and dear girlfriends.
I worked to occupy my mind and we worked on a few puzzles that week. As we sat after the boys' bedtime assembling, I'd say aloud, "This is so surreal. We have a daughter and she died." The reality of the Sunday of her birth plateaued and decreased. But as we started our travel to Utah the Monday after Easter, it started to build again, unbeknownst to my conscious mind. By Wednesday afternoon everyone had arrived - every immediate family member we have - arrived. I sat on the couch surrounded by most of them and thought "I don't want to do this! Should I go to the basement? I don't think I can go and hide..." and right at that moment, my Dad across from me says, "How are you doing, Al?" The dam of emotions broke and I could not stop sobbing. Immediately, Jami is at my side, holding and rubbing my legs. Cami moves to sit in front of me, and Perris comes up from behind. I joke not when I say I was lifted up! As I lay on a pillow, watching my sweet niece make everyone giggle, I tried to stifle my heaving, great sobs. Perris whispered in my ear the offer to go on a walk, and I conceded. I put on sunglasses, as to not worry any passers-by and we walked the the Payson temple, 2 blocks from my parents home. I lay in the grass in front of that great, beautiful building that symbolizes all I hope for and believe, and stared into the huge blue sky. Reality had arrived again - this had all, in fact, really happened, and tomorrow we would bury our daughter.
The great release of emotions was wonderful, and I returned home and explained to all that I always want to talk about everything, don't be afraid to ask me questions or mention things. I am always game. I just might cry, and that is okay.
Thursday arrived. The day of her burial. I felt calm. I felt peace. I was ready. I got all the boys ready, and did they ever look handsome for their sister! I listened to "Risen" and my other "Lennie Songs" as I got ready. Sisters, brother and Mothers moving around upstairs, getting things ready for our luncheon afterward. We took the boys with us to the funeral home to pick up Lennie's casket and flowers. They were beautiful. I felt great peace in my heart. I held her casket on my lap as we rode to the cemetery, noting how lovely a day it was, talking about all those who would be joining us, and watching the boys divide amongst themselves candy they were given at the funeral home. We set up the table and white tablecloths and set her casket atop, that beautiful box representing our pure and beautiful daughter, and everyone trickled in. My dear roommate of many years past arrived to photograph our morning. My Dad began by sharing the scripture that says, "I love little children with a perfect love" and the Spirit immediately infused our hearts. Perris stood behind me, hands lovingly placed on my shoulders while my Mom and Katie held my hands.
Then three angels stood up and sang that beautiful hymn of praise to our Savior for giving us the gift of binding up every broken heart and conquering death and sin. May our nieces be blessed greatly for using their voices to bring the Spirit there. My oldest sisters Cami and Tara felt Lennie's presence strongly. Perris had moved back so others could see and soon his older brother, Beau, had his arms wrapped around him in support and love. Perris then stood in front and offered a prayer and dedication of Lennie's grave. It was beautiful. Again and again, we cannot but confirm the divinity of this whole plan.
The morning after Lennie was born I prayed and read scriptures and I felt it strongly: Lennie is so thrilled to have received her body. She loved her time on earth even in just the womb. She gets to move on to her next project. My job as a disciple of Christ is to accept any alterations to plans willingly (plans that dropped out of Heaven and altered the original, original plans!), trusting that I have a God not with a wristwatch like me, but "who oversees cosmic clocks and calendars" (N.A. Maxwell). Feeling full of gratitude for every mercy and fleck of gold swirling around me like snowflakes.
Few of the countless miraculous flecks of gold:
- We gathered in Utah on the exact days we were previously to meet in Texas for a fun trip. Childcare was arranged, flights were easily switched.
Lennie Pam is buried in Pam's plot, and will remain buried with her after my Mom passes.
- Lennie's grave is 3 houses down and around the corner from my sister Jami's house.
- Lennie was born in what I thought was Easton, but her death certificate names her place of death Bethlehem.
- It poured rain the day she was born. Bright sunshine on the day of her burial.
- Lyndsey lives 3 hours away from me. To have a sister near at this time was completely priceless.
6 weeks later, here I am. Waiting. Honoring this time so new and so uncharted. Believing that through Christ I will really gain my fondest dream: to be together as a whole family. Wobbling still from this proverbial rug that was pulled out from underneath me. Stopping to hear the birds singing to me as often as possible. Waiting and listening for God's voice to speak to me as I walk forward. It is an honor to know that I am His daughter and trust in Him.
I love you, my little Lennie Pam.